Family Taco
by K M Rose
Summary: Disgruntled taco stand employee's try to take over the world with the help of a reincarnated dictator. Original play.


Family Taco

Family Taco

By: Sam Clark, Jenay Hodges, and Katie Rose

ACT I

Scene I

Clarice is working at the register, there is a sign in the door that says, 'Welcome to Family Taco', Aquafina is behind the counter reading the paper

Clarice: (to customer, in an extremely peppy voice) Welcome to Family Taco, may I take your order??

Customer #1: Why, yes, yes you could, I would like—

Clarice: May I intrude for a second?

Customer #1: What?

Clarice: Well you have something on your face. Here let me get it for you.

(Clarice licks her thumb in an attempt to wipe his face)

Customer #1: (flailing his arms in an attempt to rid his face of Clarice's damp thumb) If you don't mind!! I am _trying_ to order!!

Clarice: Just let me get it!

Customer #1: What? NO!! I've had it…I'm going to Super Taco!!

Clarice: (whining) No!! Ugh……

Aquafina: What's wrong?

Clarice: (sighs heavily) Nothing, another customer left.

Aquafina; Shoot!! As long as I get paid…

Clarice: If we're not careful, we won't. (sees another customer walk in) Ooh!! Hey, here's another one, you take register!!

Aquafina: Fine……………………Whatchu want?

Customer #2: To SPEAK WITH YOUR MANAGER!!

Aquafina: Well, then talk.

Customer #2: Wh-What?

Aquafina (taps name tag says MANAGER) _Talk_.

Customer #2: O-oh, well, (clears throat) Look at this taco!!

Aquafina: Yeah? What's wrong with it?

Customer #2: "WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?!" I tell you what's wrong with it!! It's covered in mold!!

Aquafina: Naw, that's just the guacomolé.

Customer #2: _GUACOMOLÉ_?! It made me sick for _THREE WEEKS_!! I was fired because I missed so much work!!

Aquafina: You must be 'lergic.

Customer #2: I shall sue you and this ENTIRE establishment!!

Aquafina: Alright!! Go right on ahead.

Customer #2: Fine!! I will!! (slams door as he exits)

Scene II

Clarice is obsessively cleaning tables, and Aquafina is looking at a magazine

Clarice: Do you dream?

Aquafina: Of course, I sleep don't I?

Clarice: Oh! No, no, I meant daydream.

Aquafina: Whad'ya think I do all day?

Clarice: Ah, well, what do you dream about?

Aquafina: (yawning) I dream of a world without you……so that I can get some sleep.

Clarice: Well, I dream of a world where I am a successful business figurehead, and everything is clean and perfect.

Aquafina: What kind of a place is that? A HOSPITAL??

Clarice: NO!!...Yes.

Aquafina: Well in this place without you where I can sleep, I dream of dreaming, while I sleep.

Clarice: (sighs wistfully) Oh, how I would give anything to be a successful person.

Aquafina: Me too.

T.V suddenly cuts on, with a man that looks almost exactly like Hitler (he _is_ in fact German) as the announcer.

Almost Hitler: Do you say to yourself 'I want better'? Do you keep thinking about finding money? Do you work at a minimum wage job at a taco stand? Is your name _Clarice_ or _Aquafina_? WELL then _this_ is the time for _you_ to _call_!!

Clarice: (elbows Aquafina) HEY!! THAT'S US!! _I'd_ call but I think I'll have a seizure if I touch that germ laden phone, you'd better call.

Aquafina:………Uh,……No.

Clarice: What? Why not?

Aquafina: 'Cuz I'm lazy.

Almost Hitler: That's ok. I'll save you the trouble and come to _you_.

Clarice: What?

The Almost Hitler walks in the door

Almost Hitler: Guten morgen!! Mine heiße is Adolf Hitler……in, ja, Adolf Hitlerin.

Aquafina: Hey now, nuh-uh. You look like that German guy……Hitler……Doesn't he Clarice?

Clarice: (squints) Uhhh……a little.

Hitlerin: No, no!! My name is Hitlerin!! I swear…!!

Clarice: Ok, I suppose……

Hitlerin: Do you two want to get rich and successful?

Clarice: How can I become successful?

Aquafina: How can I get rich quick?

Hitlerin: (pulls out contract) FIRST!! Sign here, THEN!, you must _psst psst_ AND THEN _psst psst psst_.

Once Hitlerin is done explaining he begins to laugh manically, the girls begin to laugh as well.

Hitlerin disappears and in his place are ashes, and 2 business cards.

Aquafina: Hitler……in. Incorporated?

ACT II

Scene I

A few days later

Aquafina: Clarice!! You done cleanin' out the freezer?!

Clarice: Uh…heh…well…sorta… (holds up a very spoiled piece of steak) How old do you think thi—

Aquafina: Don't know, don't care. (throws meat into mincer)

Clarice: (steps out of freezer, cleans T.V. and turns it on)

T.V. Anchor: A man was found today, dead, in his home, surrounded by Family Taco paraphernalia. Our cameras are on the scene now.

Clarice: (looking at T.V.) Hey! Isn't that the guy that said that he was going to sue us because of the guacomolé?

Aquafina: Yeah…I think so…huh.

Clarice: Poor guy.

Door opens

Customer #3: Excuse me.

Aquafina: Huh?

Customer #3: I want for you to sell me three of your finest Grande Burrito Taco Supremes.

Clarice: THREE?!

Customer #3: (enthusiastically) _Three_!

Aquafina has returned her attention to the magazine in front of her

Customer #3: (clears throat) Ahem.

Aquafina: What?

Customer #3: I would like for you to make three Grande Burrito Taco Supremes.

Aquafina: Uhhh…hmmm……no.

Customer: WhhaaAAAT?! And WHY NOT?!

Aquafina: Don' feel like it.

Clarice: (runs over and elbows Aquafina) Don't you remember what Mister Hitlerin said? You know…HOW TO "GET RICH"??

Aquafina: Ooh!! Yeah!! (to customer) Aiight sir…hold on.

Aquafina and Clarice go to the back and begin to assemble the tacos (which in all actuality are no different than any of the others) but they put in "other substances"

Clarice: (returns to the register) Here you are sir, three Grande Burrito Taco Supremes!!

Customer #3: Thank y'kindly (takes the tacos, sits down, eats them, and moments later dies)

Clarice and Aquafina then drag his lifeless form in to the freezer.

Scene II

Clarice: God!! All of these people are just now figuring out that Family Taco is better that Super Taco…Jeez!!

Aquafina: Ok…uh could you help me run the register? You know I'm not used to 'Work'.

Clarice: Uh, sure hold on…I just want to see what's in Mister Hitlerin's "special" Family Taco brand Sauce. (looks at bottle, reads ingredients) Tabasco sauce, tomato extract, pepper, rat poison, artificial flav—What tha??

Aquafina: What What's wrong?

Clarice: There's rat poison in this!!

Aquafina: Are you serious?

Clarice: YES!

Aquafina: Cool.

Clarice: NO!! NOT COOL!! WE HAVE BEEN TRICKED IN TO KILLING ALL OF THESE INNOCENT PEOPLE FOR HITLER……IN…………HITLERIN!!

Aquafina: So? We're rich! Look at my bling!! (flashes new ring or necklace or whatever)

Clarice: Hitlerin must be stopped.

Aquafina: How? I'll do anything as long as I don't have to do anything!!

Clarice: All you have to do is be a diversion.

Aquafina: I can do that. Wait……I'm your boss.

Clarice: Just shut up and do what I say!!

Aquafina: (sighs) Fine.

They find Mister Hitlerin's home and begin the assault

ACT III

Scene I

Clarice: Ready?

Aquafina: Well, it's either now or never so uhh…yeah…I'm ready. (She waltzes up to the guard and commences to hit on him)

Aquafina continues to flirt 'til Clarice gets by all James Bond like.

Clarice runs down the hall and breaks a window

Aquafina gets the guard to open the door for her, she walks in.

Clarice crawls in to the building through the now broken window

Clarice: Now that we're in we can—

Hitlerin: Not so fast.

Aquafina: Dangit.

Scene II

Back at Family Taco

Hitlerin: So you have figured out mine plan to take over the world, by capturing all of the little kids in foster homes or orphanages, and torturing them with little, itty, bitty, kittens and teddy bears. Mmmmmmm…………so cuuute and soft.

Aquafina: Uhh…no…Where would you get the kittens?

Hitlerin: The kittens? Oh!! Oops!! HAHA!! The kittens are in France…heh heh heh uhhh…

Clarice: We don't want to know about your PATHETIC KITTENS!! WE want to know why you tricked us into poisoning HALF OF THE POULATION!!

Hitlerin: You don't want to know about those kittens any way……You probably want to know why I tricked you into poisoning half the population for me…well it's because I want to be THE TACO KING!!

Aquafina: What about the Kitten King?

Hitlerin: Ooh! I wanna be that!!

Clarice: What happened to the Taco King idea?

Hitlerin: Just……shut up. Now, sit here and watch me RULE THE WORLD!! HA HA HA AH!! Now, I shall be taking eine _CELEBRATION TACO_ in rejoicing for mine victory. HA!

Aquafina: That'll be 3.78.

Hitlerin: Ok, let's see, there's two—Wait! JUST MAKE ME ONE!!

Aquafina: Ok…

Clarice: What does he want?

Aquafina: A celebration taco.

Clarice and Aquafina make a taco and put as mush rat poison in as they can hide

Clarice: Here you go Mister Hitlerin.

Hitlerin takes the taco, and eats it

Hitlerin: HA!!I SHALL BECOME THE TAC—oh (coughs) (clears throat) TACO KING!! MUAH HA HA HA HA HA (coughs hacks) HA HA HA (chokes)(dies)

Clarice: He's dead.

Aquafina: Yeah, but at least I can get back to my work. (Her attention turns once again to a newspaper or magazine; she licks her thumb and turns the page.)

Clarice: (Takes body outside, comes back in fussing about filth) EWW!! I TOUCHED HIM!! Filthy, filthy, filthy, filthy

Clarice and Aquafina then live out of Mister Hitlerin's house, and use his money, claiming righteous successfulness.

THE END


End file.
